As I read, the story of a divorce emerged. I could feel the hurt that woman experienced, could imagine the sadness lingering in those pages, but didn't feel that woman was me.
It was me. It still is me. But I've changed.
I'm sharing with you the actual diary, word for word except in the case that you would be confused, and also replacing actual names to protect the privacy of my ex-husband and his wife, for whom I am happy and wish them the best. I am sharing this not to expose them, but to help anyone who feels the need to hear another's story. I hope if you are seeking solace, you can find some here.
Tues 7/3 (2007)
Yesterday Jason wanted to have the 'hard conversations'. It didn't take much to figure out he didn't want our marriage to continue. We talked a lot. I cried a lot. I want it to work. I want to try. He doesn't.
I moved into Mom's today. It was hard. Mom left work early and watched the girls (so Jason and I could talk). Jason was doing day 2 of extended work year for school. Since he didn't see the girls all day, I let him keep them the night. I cried harder after leaving them than I have since this started in May.
We went together and got Ella's bloodwork done. Bought lunch at Burger King since girls were sleeping. Talked as we ate in the car. Still so sad. Never expected this. Disillusioned.
Took girls from 12:30-2:00. Jason picked up Maddie @ 2:00 and went to Jenny's. Brought them to me @ 9. We talked. Sounds like Maddie spent a lot of time being supervised by Dorothy's daughters and Jillian. She peed her pants. She doesn't do that often. Sounds like she and Samantha had fun. Girls stayed night with me at Mom's. Mom bought a pack and play for Ella. Maddie slept with me.
Thursday July 5
Went to Jason's and opened the antique shop at 11:40. Jason had picked up the girls at 9:00 from Mom's. I closed up the shop and left at 5:00.Very hard day being there. People driving by the house must think we look like the perfect family. We aren't. Girls stayed night with me.
Friday July 6
Dropped girls off around 8 am. Jason fed breakfast. I went over to open the antique shop later, around 11:45. About 2:00 Jason took girls for groceries. They were sleeping when he got to the store, so he called me while he was sitting in the parking lot, waiting. Returned about 4 and he made dinner. I watched and played with girls while working at the store. He's being nice to me. Asked me to stay and eat. I did. He kept the girls all night. I went back to Mom's.
Sat July 7
Appt with counselor. Cried immediately. She asked me if I was sure there was no one else. "I don't think so," I said. I said, "How could he have time?" But, I remember the yucky feeling I got when he talked about how he wished I would like her because he likes her (Dorothy) and him getting her the sweatshirt at the retirement party when she said she was cold-Thursday before school was out. He practically jumped over the table to get it before her husband could. He was completely trashed that night on the way home and said he was a failure as a husband and a father. Why is this happening to me?
Went to the consignment store and priced new items. I'm closing my antique booth there in July. It's the right thing to do, just like no more E-bay. I don't have enough time for me. Picked girls up about 2:30. Stayed night with me. A good night.
Sunday July 8
Been calling on apartments this am. Jason said he "guesses" what he wants is a divorce. I wanted to know where he thought I would be in September as I have to have a home for me and the girls. I let him decide-by phone last night. I thought I would die when he said that he doesn't see us together. Why can't he just try to make this work?
Amanda and Bridget watched the store for me. Jason wants to take the girls Thursday night through Monday night to his parents' home near Saratoga. He is angry because I said no and won't compromise. I need them right now. I think my heart would shrivel and die if he took them that long. He said I always get my way. I said if it was my way we would all go down together as a family. He said I could go down with him. HOW could he say that? He's miserable to me!
He said he trusts me and wants us to continue to be friends (and let's not forget about how I said I would come over for intervention and he said, "we'll just end up having sex.") I told him to get his head out of the clouds. He wants a divorce, treats me like shit. And he thinks I'm going to go with him? I think what he really wants is his "cake and to eat it too."
I remember at the end of May when this erupted and he said that we should put up a house next door in the empty lot and things would be perfect if I lived next door. Then he said he was jk. What's wrong with him?
We argue, he says. Of course we argue! We have two little girls, 1 1/2 years old and not quite 3. What do you expect! We both work full time jobs and previously with e-bay and the consignment store, as well as the antique shop, that's a lot of stress. We've got this huge, old house. It doesn't take care of itself. OF COURSE we are going to have arguments. That's normal! Of course it's not always going to be happy-happy-happy. That, to me, doesn't mean we give up! But I told him I can't hold on like this and if he lets go, then I'll let go. I'll walk away. I guess it's time. He doesn't love me, he says. He's said it many times now. He tells me he doesn't "want" me anymore (like I'm a tool that no longer has any use). I asked him, why? He has no answer.
Mon July 9
Girls to day care today. My first day of teaching summer school. Jason wanted to send girls to daycare even though he could've watched them and now he won't see them today. It was his choice. Mom brought girls home from daycare at about 4:00. I'm still staying at Mom's. It was a long day. Tired. Hard. But better b/c I didn't think about him every minute of this day. Girls stayed the night with me.
Tue July 10
1st day summer school with students. Dropped girls off at Jason's on way. Maddie has a dr appt at 2:45. I picked her up and took her. Ella stayed with Jason. Mom picked Ella up on her way home. Ella was puking, up all night sick. Maddie slept great. Her bug bites are getting better. Went to see Grandpa Ronnie today. I cried. A lot. Couldn't speak. Choked up. Grandpa believed in me. I feel like a failure. I let him down with this divorce.
To be continued...