Divorce Diary Part #1: He Wants a Divorce

While scouring through the basement looking for paperwork last weekend, I came across "The Tote."  I'd hidden the memory of the heartache inside, but after seven years, I took a deep breath and unsnapped the lid.

As I read, the story of a divorce emerged.  I could feel the hurt that woman experienced, could imagine the sadness lingering in those pages, but didn't feel that woman was me.

It was me.  It still is me.  But I've changed.

I've emerged.

I'm sharing with you the actual diary, word for word except in the case that you would be confused, and also replacing actual names to protect the privacy of my ex-husband and his wife, for whom I am happy and wish them the best.  I am sharing this not to expose them, but to help anyone who feels the need to hear another's story.  I hope if you are seeking solace, you can find some here.

Blessings.
April

Tues 7/3 (2007)
Yesterday Jason wanted to have the 'hard conversations'.  It didn't take much to figure out he didn't want our marriage to continue.  We talked a lot.  I cried a lot.  I want it to work.  I want to try.  He doesn't.

I moved into Mom's today.  It was hard.  Mom left work early and watched the girls (so Jason and I could talk).  Jason was doing day 2 of extended work year for school.  Since he didn't see the girls all day, I let him keep them the night.  I cried harder after leaving them than I have since this started in May.

Wed 7/4
We went together and got Ella's bloodwork done.  Bought lunch at Burger King since girls were sleeping.  Talked as we ate in the car.  Still so sad.  Never expected this.  Disillusioned.

Took girls from 12:30-2:00.  Jason picked up Maddie @ 2:00 and went to Jenny's.  Brought them to me @ 9.  We talked.  Sounds like Maddie spent a lot of time being supervised by Dorothy's daughters and Jillian.  She peed her pants.  She doesn't do that often.  Sounds like she and Samantha had fun.  Girls stayed night with me at Mom's.  Mom bought a pack and play for Ella.  Maddie slept with me.

Thursday July 5
Went to Jason's and opened the antique shop at 11:40.  Jason had picked up the girls at 9:00 from Mom's.  I closed up the shop and left at 5:00.Very hard day being there.  People driving by the house must think we look like the perfect family.  We aren't.  Girls stayed night with me.

Friday July 6
Dropped girls off around 8 am.  Jason fed breakfast.  I went over to open the antique shop later, around 11:45.  About 2:00 Jason took girls for groceries.  They were sleeping when he got to the store, so he called me while he was sitting in the parking lot, waiting.  Returned about 4 and he made dinner.  I watched and played with girls while working at the store.  He's being nice to me.  Asked me to stay and eat.  I did.  He kept the girls all night.  I went back to Mom's.

Sat July 7
Appt with counselor.  Cried immediately.  She asked me if I was sure there was no one else.  "I don't think so," I said.  I said, "How could he have time?"  But, I remember the yucky feeling I got when he talked about how he wished I would like her because he likes her (Dorothy) and him getting her the sweatshirt at the retirement party when she said she was cold-Thursday before school was out.  He practically jumped over the table to get it before her husband could.  He was completely trashed that night on the way home and said he was a failure as a husband and a father.  Why is this happening to me?

Went to the consignment store and priced new items.  I'm closing my antique booth there in July.  It's the  right thing to do, just like no more E-bay.  I don't have enough time for me.  Picked girls up about 2:30.  Stayed night with me.  A good night.

Sunday July 8
Been calling on apartments this am.  Jason said he "guesses" what he wants is a divorce. I wanted to know where he thought I would be in September as I have to have a home for me and the girls.  I let him decide-by phone last night.  I thought I would die when he said that he doesn't see us together.  Why can't he just try to make this work?

Amanda and Bridget watched the store for me.  Jason wants to take the girls Thursday night through Monday night to his parents' home near Saratoga.  He is angry because I said no and won't compromise.  I need them right now.  I think my heart would shrivel and die if he took them that long.  He said I always get my way.  I said if it was my way we would all go down together as a family.  He said I could go down with him. HOW could he say that?  He's miserable to me!

He said he trusts me and wants us to continue to be friends (and let's not forget about how I said I would come over for intervention and he said, "we'll just end up having sex.")  I told him to get his head out of the clouds.  He wants a divorce, treats me like shit.  And he thinks I'm going to go with him?  I think what he really wants is his "cake and to eat it too."

I remember at the end of May when this erupted and he said that we should put up a house next door in the empty lot and things would be perfect if I lived next door.  Then he said he was jk.  What's wrong with him?

We argue, he says.  Of course we argue!  We have two little girls, 1 1/2 years old and not quite 3.  What do you expect!  We both work full time jobs and previously with e-bay and the consignment store, as well as the antique shop, that's a lot of stress.  We've got this huge, old house.  It doesn't take care of itself.  OF COURSE we are going to have arguments.  That's normal!  Of course it's not always going to be happy-happy-happy.  That, to me, doesn't mean we give up!  But I told him I can't hold on like this and if he lets go, then I'll let go.  I'll walk away.  I guess it's time.  He doesn't love me, he says.  He's said it many times now.  He tells me he doesn't "want" me anymore (like I'm a tool that no longer has any use).  I asked him, why?  He has no answer.

Mon July 9
Girls to day care today.  My first day of teaching summer school. Jason wanted to send girls to daycare even though he could've watched them and now he won't see them today.  It was his choice.  Mom brought girls home from daycare at about 4:00.  I'm still staying at Mom's.  It was a long day.  Tired.  Hard.  But better b/c I didn't think about him every minute of this day.  Girls stayed the night with me.

Tue July 10
1st day summer school with students.  Dropped girls off at Jason's on way.  Maddie has a dr appt at 2:45. I picked her up and took her.  Ella stayed with Jason.  Mom picked Ella up on her way home.  Ella was puking, up all night sick.  Maddie slept great.  Her bug bites are getting better.  Went to see Grandpa Ronnie today.  I cried.  A lot.  Couldn't speak.  Choked up.  Grandpa believed in me.  I feel like a failure.  I let him down with this divorce.

To be continued...

Thrown into the Crashing Crests, Clothes and All

Time heals all wounds, or so it is said.  That must be why usually I write about events that were in the past, or about my fitness or nutrition successes.  They've healed and the hurt isn't pressing in on me anymore.  It isn't often I write about the here and now, and my immediate feelings of grief or despair.

Who wants to feel despair?  I certainly don't, and it comes in ripples, like waves that saunter toward toes.  I step away, avoiding.  But sometimes life happens in sudden and strange ways and it's not a little ripple or a small wave.  You are thrown into the crashing crests, clothes and all.

And so, I suppose it has not been a surprise at all that I've been remote these past few months.  It's not pleasant to face the harsh reality and remotely striking beauty of what has been happening. 

I envy.  I see the Tough Mudders posts and 5ks, half marathons, TRIs on Facebook, hear friends speak about their successes, see runners alongside the road and turn away, afraid of a tear that might slip out.  I am happy for my friends, but it is hard to listen. 

I still haven't seen a true work out since January.  (Working out = my therapy) Haven't done a jumping jack, swung a golf club, done a push up.  

I've spent countless days on the couch, watching empty tree branches covered with and without snow, budding, dancing and swaying, then green, and windows filled with butterflies and bees.

I pitied myself, holding it in like a leaky pen, poison. Until it was exhausting and pointless. 

But the truth of the situation was beyond my control.  It still is.  After my surgery for the ruptured disc in my back, the swelling never really subsided.  The numbness in my arm never retreated.   The swelling, at first thought to be fluid on the site of the incision, later, after an ultrasound, proved to be something attached to my thyroid, growing, and then last week, the biopsy showed it is a tumor in my neck.  Shaped like an egg and expanding.

And so my sister and I sat in another specialist's office just this past Tuesday, hearing him discuss how he would remove the tumor and biopsy it during the surgery.  What will happen if it's benign adenoma. What will happen if it's malignant carcinoma. 

As he spoke I interrupted him, put my hand to the window sill, felt like I would faint, "I'm going to pass out."

Me.  Superwoman.  Invincible.  Indomitable spirit.  I almost fainted.  Twice. 

That night I held my daughters close to me as they slept, smelling their Watermelon Strawberry Shampoo.  I thought about the administrative classes, the impending internship, my plans for the future.  And I realized that none of it matters, not one damn bit if I can't have the people I love by my side. 

I wanted to stay that way as long as I could, in the dark, the sound of cars rushing by, and the immense silence.  Just me and these two beautiful girls.  It reminded me of nights long ago, the sounds of a rushing river, and my own mother by my side, singing gently to me.

I felt my own mortality, like the moment I almost fainted, pressing on me. 

And I began to envision my blessings, each person who has stepped quietly into my life and stayed, even if it was only a little while, leaving a footprint.  I fell asleep that way, Madeline cradled close to me, listening to her breath, a tear slipping out as I considered this challenge, once more, a test:

You see, all this time I've been waiting, feeling like something is supposed to happen, something immense.  Thinking that I would have some kind of epiphany, some colossal event, like a bolt of lightening, some achievement, and as John Kabat-Zinn would say, I'd "Arrive at my own door." 

What an idiot he is....as I faded into the sweet breaths of sleep I realized, I'm not going to arrive at my door or anyone else's because I'm already here. 

I've been here all along.

Vegan Smoothie Your Kids Will Love

3/4 cup OJ

1 cup frozen berries (I also put in pineapple)

1 banana

2 ounces Silken Tofu

Ella giving a thumbs up to this delish smoothie :)
About 250 cals, 4 grams fat, lots of carbs but they're good carbs (about 45)

Sometimes Moving Forward Is Actually Staying Still

Today marks one month since I woke in the most excruciating pain I have ever known (yes, more than giving birth with no pain meds).  I called to my daughters to dress themselves between my tears, sent off with their father, and drove myself to the ER.

That initial pain which caused me to literally beg the doctor at the ER to give me a shot of something to take the pain away has dulled, but it is still there all the time.  I look forward to the morning I wake up and it's gone.  I took my health for granted.

I make it a point in my life to find the lesson in every experience... I ask myself, "What is this teaching me."  

Before the slipped disc, I was at Heart to Heart working out at least three times a week for about two hours a session.  If I could get there five times a week, I would go five times a week.  I was sticking to my vegan diet with a tunnel vision, very regimented, with little consideration for fine tuning or changing the diet as needed.  My last two college courses had begun and there was an unhealthy amount of commitment to which I had extended myself.

I am one of those people who thinks I can do anything and as much of anything as I want and I don't need anyone to help me. I put pressure on myself in unfair ways sometimes to expect results.  I have a vision of the way I want my life to be, and the pace at which I live is unnatural. I think much of this has to do with the time I spent with my ex-husband, which I often reflect upon as "wasted years" because I was in a stasis, waiting on him.  From 19-31 years old, and then even after, I had to unlearn some very damaging habits I had developed with him.  I often feel like I have to "make up" that time because I did and was "nothing" when I was with him.  This is not true and if you are a woman who functioned in that type of relationship (or dysfunctioned)  then you understand what it feels like to put your life on hold to please someone else. I look in the mirror and I see that I am no longer that girl, that at nearing 37, I am a woman progressing toward my middle years.

What have I accomplished?  I ask myself.

This is dangerous.  I have to veer away from this thinking.  Because I'm constantly looking for an answer that would be something on my resume, not realizing that I've accomplished so much more than that, and it's not the courage to climb a mountain that's necessary, it's the courage to take the first step, and every step after that.  I don't give myself credit for all those little steps.

With all the push, I had begun meditating and doing yoga in the morning regularly to help bring some balance to that, but it wasn't enough.  My body did what my mind could not, and it did it in a way that literally brought me to my knees.  It forced me to stop, reflect, be more thoughtful, depend on others, say no to others so that I could focus on reconnecting with myself, and it also gave me a healthy lesson in humility.

The pain from the disc is not the pain that brought me to beg the doctor for a shot to put me out of my misery, it's the pain from the pinched nerve.  When the disc slipped, it pinched a nerve that runs along my left arm, and the pain deferred through the entire arm.  The pain changes every day, depending how badly the nerve is pinched. Often it is a radiating current that is like an electrical jolt that runs up and down, but for a while it was that and a pressure cuff on the entire arm.  Now, the pain has dulled to an aching, often a burning ache, in my back, elbow, one spot in my forearm, tricep., and shoulder.   My pointer finger and thumb are still numb in the tip and along the length they tingle, like when you wake with a "sleepy" arm.  There is really nothing that can be done to make the pain go away (except the "magic" shot at the ER which I needed a ride home after--thank you Melissa R. for that ride).

In the past month I have lived with the pain which at two points was so terrible I could do nothing but sit up and cry like a baby (talk about humility).  There have been moments when I could not even hold a coffee cup in my left hand because of the weakness in my hand. The doctor did give me prescriptions to help dull it and help the muscle relax.  This in itself was a lesson because I do NOT like taking meds unless it's absolutely essential: Flexerol, Tramadol, Oxy, Hydrocodon, Steroids...  It was essential at the time, but at the last visit I refused any pain med, just deciding I would endure the pain and continue to see the chiropractor and massage therapist. The penultimate point in that decision came when I was on the Flexerol and Tramadol and that combo was causing me to feel extremely depressed.  One night, between the drugs and the pain, I called my mom and just begged her to come over... I didn't know if I was going to be able to endure another night.  She did and just having her sit with me was a balm.  I drifted in and out of a drug induced haze that night.

While my back is getting better, I have not spent time doing much but sitting on my couch (really pleased with the color I painted my living room...).  From where I've laid with an ice pack on my upper back and a heating pad on my arm, I've observed for quite some time the branches across the street that are so tall they extend well above the rooftops.  I've seen them sway, dancing, stand still... lost them to the fury of a few snow storms...  I've thought about the many blessings in disguises that have come into my life and reconsidered what they mean to me, reflected on the people who have contacted me over the last few months to tell me how I've inspired them, and thought about the people who have lifted me up in my darkest times (thank you Jill M., Wendy L., Amanda L., Bridget L., and my Mom).

I've mulled over the events in my childhood, reconsidered my own reactions to them, and shaped some new perspectives.

Last, the pain has resulted in an evolution of my thought.  Yes, I do have goals.  I have an idea about what I want from life and where I would like to be, but I don't need to push so hard or so fast, and what happens, will happen, and I have to be ok with that.  This is it.  This one life, so fleeting, is really only this one moment, now gone, now another, and it's gone.

This is the only time that really matters: Stopping my work to smile at my daughter, Ella, while I peel her orange, and tuck her hair behind her ears.  To look at her, and really see her. The freckles on her nose. The dimple in her cheek.  To listen to her laugh.  Or leaning back to appreciate how the wind can make a branch wave...the stabbing shape of the icicles along the roof lines, the perch of a bird on the wires....calling my Mom to remind her that no matter our differences, I love her.

I am enough.  This moment is enough.  The people in my life are enough. I have and am everything I need.

The gym...and everything else...can wait a moment longer.  

“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.” 

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid